Innalillah...

Yesterday I found out that my nyang chik meninggal... she passed away last Wednesday. I asked my mum why she didn't tell me earlier (I was bawling on the phone, it's a miracle she even understood me), and she told me "sebab mak tanak farah sedih..nie mak bagitau lambat pun farah sedih" ... so I tried sucking it up and tak nangis sebab macam tak redha lah, and kesian dekat roh nyang. But today I woke up after a sleepless night ( and an unproductive day yesteday, I just there in my room watching tv trying to forget about stuff ), and I can't help but to remember the sweet, gentle person I had the privilage to call "nyang chik".

She's the cousin to me own moyang ( panggil nyang), and they live right next to each other (between the two houses, gate pon takde, diorang duduk dalam satu compund). Rumah nyang chik mmg betul2 kat sebelah, kalau time rumah nyang takde air, kitorang dengan towel2 gie mandi kat rumah ngan chik. Nyang chik ade sorang je anak pompuan, who pased away a couple of years ago cancer. So cucu-cucu die je lah buah hati die, termasuklah kitorang cucu-cucu sebelah rumah :) . Kalau time raye, sure dtg rumah die dulu before pegi rumah org lain. kadang-kadang tuh mandi pon tak lagi, gie rumah nyang chik, makan breakfast. I always have to go sebab my cousins yg kecik-kecik nie lah suke gile gie umah nyang chik pagi-pagi sebab nak main buaian, and I always have to jage, kang terpelanting kang sape susah. And time pagi-pagi tu lah I guess I'll remember sampai bile-bile. mase time budak-budak tuh main, I would sit there dengan nyang chik borak-borak pasal stuff. Die cite pasal cucu-cucu die, old stories about my mum mase zaman mude-mude dulu (hehe.. best dengar org try nak ngorat mak tapi tak dapat), pasal my aunties... what I remember most are the advices ( Kite perempuan nie, orang lelaki nampak je lemah, die tak tau yang kite perempuan ni banyak dugaan die..... Kalau nak carik suami, carik yang sayang kite, bukan kite aje nak kat die... Farah nie dah anak dara dah, tengok Along, Ida, dah kawin, suami baik-baik, Farah kene pandai jage diri cari org baik-baik jugak ).

She was always there regardless bile kitorang satu family balik kampung. I guess I always figured she would be there lepas I graduate, mase I bertunang, tolong tepung tawar mase kawin, maybe even sampai I get my firstborn child... I guess I should have know that she's seen 5 generations of the family dah, and that no matter how strong she looked to me, she wasn't the nyang chik yang dukung me mase kecik-kecik dulu, the nyang chik yang everytime raye, sure masak lontong ( kuah lodeh nyang chik was the best). Mak cakap nyang 20 hari masuk hospital before die meninggal, and she actually looked better during the last few days. Nyang chik pesan dekat mak "Doakan nyang masuk syurga ye...". Memang nyang chik dah tau rasenye. Mak kate, mak was the last visitor yang tgk nyang, mak balik around 7 malam, 7.10 pm tuh nyang meninggal.

So many changes are happening in my life sekarang nie, but this is, hands down, the most major one. Farah sayang nyang sampai bile-bile......

I emailed a few people today, those that I had hurt in some way that I might or might not have realized... life is just too short to have people angry at us, and it's also too short to not let people know how much you love them.. :( ....

Tak realize how much Farah rindu dekat nyang until it's too late...

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I love Anastacia.. I think her voice is wonderful, it has that "rubber-band" quality that is so unique. Her songs are danceable (always a plus) and her abs are gorgeous (heheh... always a plus too). I really like this song "One Day In Your Life". I know it's old, but I just downloaded this, and any song that can get me up and moving is always a good song to listen to :) . Malas nak letak kat website, dah lame pon lagu nie. Nice "girl-power" song.

ONE DAY IN YOUR LIFE

I know
that's just it goes
and you ain't right
for sure
you turned your back on love
for the last time
it won't take much longer now
time makes me stronger, well
there's nothing more to say

One day in your life
said love would remind you
how could you leave it all behind
one day in your life
it's gonna find you
with the tears that left me cry
and baby I'm stronger than before
you gotta play it on the line
maybe one day in your life

My love
did you think I'd break down
and cry
this thing we had
it meant the world to me
guess I was blind
it won't take much longer now
see time makes me stronger well
and I know you'll be coming round some day

One day in your life
said love would remind you
how could you leave it all behind
yeah
one day in your life
it's gonna find you
with the tears you left me cry
and baby I'm stronger than before
you gotta play it on the line
maybe one day in your life

You called me in the midnight hour
With your velvet lies
So many sleepless nights, I wonder
Is it time to say goodbye?

One day in your life
said love would remind you
baby
how could you leave it all behind
could you leave it all behind
yeah
one day in your life
it's gonna find you
with the tears that left me cry
and baby I'm stronger than before
you gotta lay it on the line
maybe one day in your life
ooooooooone day

One day in your life
said love would remind you
yeah yeah yeah
how could you leave it all behind
oh oh oh yeah
one day in your life
it's gonna find you
with the tears that left me cry
and baby I'm stronger than before
you gotta play it on the line
maybe one day in your life

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Hari yg sgt2 pelik.... probably effect from malam tadi yg sgt2 pelik.. should have listen to my guts and head rather than my heart. *sigh*... susah bile people get defensive even before kite sempat nak hilangkan the uncomfortable atmosphere. Logical things are nice and pretty and all, tapi slalunye tak menjadik. I tried being logical yesterday (kononnye) and say heck, maybe things don't have to be so hard; well, it came back to bite me in the ass. Buduh Farah. Some creases aren't meant to be smoothed out. Bior je lah berkedut sampai bebile, penat seh. If you're thinking, merepek lagi budak nie, hehe.. biase lah.. it's not meant to dipahamkan by sesape pon.
Marriage is meant to be forever, right? I mean, lepas kawin tuh, pandai2 lah tak menggatal ngan org lain. Right? Right? Sometimes ape yg kite rase was right dulu, tetibe isn't anymore. Well, all I can say is, you made that decision, and sure, people ( I mean lelaki ) feel tetibe "restless" and kononnye "I'm missing out on stuff" and whatever bullshit. Penah tak terpikir yg what you have is something yang nothing else can compare? Rather than carik solutions outside your marriage and cite kat org lain ( regardless lah kawan ke mak ke bapak ke ex-girlfriend ke... ), apsal tak duduk ngan your wife and cakap ngan die je? She's your wife! Kalau u miss hanging out with the boys, bini tuh bukannaye rantai u dekat rumah, boleh je keluar asalkan jgn ler slalu sgt balik lambat. Kalau u're missing out on the fun stuff macam gie rollerblading ke, swimming ke ( stupid reasons by the way), boleh je buat mende2 tuh with or without your wife, takde sape nak larang. Yang tak boleh is nak menggatal ngan org lain, which I don't think is appropriate even kalau tak kawin lagik. Nak experience the world konon. You have a new world now... and from what I've heard, it's supposed to be better than "singlehood" ... be appreciative...
See? Dah dapat lagi satu reason nak campak telefon masuk Lake Michigan... and skang nie rase macam nak tutup my messenger forever and ever jugak...selebet betul..
Always be grateful for bende yg depan mate rather than nak kejar bende yg entah dapat entah tak. This applies to everyone.

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Long.. long day... classes from 9 up to 2.30 pm ... then off to gym until 5... I'm pooped. So tired... just now I printed off the new program, and here's the stats:

1) program specifications - 13 pages
2) header files - 1 page
3) program examples - 4 pages
4) sample output 1 - 2 pages
5) sample output 2 - 8 pages
6) sample output 3 - 6 pages
7) sample output 4 - 40 pages

Total pages: a lot. ( tak larat nak kire, bace pon dah mengah )

I just realized today that before this, I keep hoping that if I screw up a little, I'll be able to mend it later, or maybe someone will. It just won't cut it anymore. I work hard for my programs, I go to classes, I go to office hours, and I get to feel good about myself when all of my efforts bear fruit. But I'm not putting the same effort in my other subjects, or even all other aspects of my life . Sure, I go to class, but when I don't understand something, I just get frustrated and give up. Today, I promise myself that I'm not going to do that anymore. I once told someone, anything worth having is worth working for. I was in a relationship, and I was committed to it. I made sacrifices, shed enough tears to fill up Lake Michigan, made efforts to make it work, and even though it amounts to nothing, no one can say to my face I didn't try hard enough because I did. Well, here's another kind of "relationship" that needs my commitment and devotion, and I'm not going to dissapoint. If it means sacrifices, then damn it, that's what I'll give.

Okay, I want to call my mom. Bubbye!

Assalamu'alaikum...

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Lupe lak... slalu letak lagu merepek-repek kat sini.. hehe.. I feel macam I'm not doing justice to the one "nasyid" that I listen to whenever I'm feeling down.. this is my pick-me-up song right now :) I'm proud to say... hehe... penat tau nak download nie.. suke2 :) ....

Tadi jumpe Yann, Usamah and their junior Seri kat depan Michigan Union.. ( Yann datang tak cakap, ooo.. )... segan sket sebab mase jumpe tuh tgh muke sgt2 toye and pakai track bottom and t-shirt ( macam nak gie basuh pinggan kat dining hall lak rupe ).. hadoi... slalu petang2 nie I can get away with wearing anything asalkan bende tuh cover badan, pakai guni pon takde nak jumpe Malaysians lain.. aleh2 hari nie kantore ler plaks.. alahai....Anyway, Yann, you look great, lose weight nampak :) .... Usamah rambut dah panjang balik... Arthur hari tuh jumpe macam tak nampak gunting lapan tahun, muahaha, rambut panjang gile ...

Okay, got to run, gym time..

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HAIL HALLE
She's so pretty, and her biography is actually quite interesting. Hail Halle for opening doors for all other African American women in the entertainment industry, and for looking great all the time ( hehe.. I personally salute people who look great all the time because it's hard to do, not a lot of people can pull it off.... I kalau gie skolah macam nak gie sawah... kalau ade makan-makan atau gathering je I make effort nak brush up sket ). Love the gold dress, too bad she didn't wear that last Oscar, sure match ngan the bald guy she won.
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I am just soooooo glad the program is finished... Stupid autograder gave me a 70 just because of one thing that I did differently ( it's not supposed to check for eficiency, but it is this time.. buduh ). Penat debug lapan jam bende tuh, and kene panggil Nizam to my rescue again ( siap ade Jun ngan James lagi mase tuh nak carik what the hell is wrong ), betulkan itu je ngan letak one more end-of-file statement, and tetibe terus betul.. full marks . Waaaaaa.... nasib baik jugak tuh. I can't believe I still got the 10 extra points! Ingat dah takde harapan dah. So program 6, buat sampai dapat around 65 ke, 70 marks je, and then I am DONE baby!! Woo-hoo!!! Suke nye saye... alhamdulillah... balik bilik, solat tuh, mmg sgt2 bersyukur that through all the crap that I had to go through last week, this is my reward :) ... and I even did most of it myself, surprisingly. Ade camping kat bilik Jirah jap nak get the correct way to check for input and basically check simple functions same ke tak, then Nizam and Jun and James sgt2 lifesaver for noticing the inefficient part of my code. I'm so glad... but unfortunately, my math hw suffered a bit. 2 soklan tak reti buat, sukati je goreng. Goreng.. goreng.. muahahaha...
Hari nie pegi kelas kol semilan muke macam zombie.. balik tido sampai kol 2, then kelas again 2.30, then 3.30 I haul ass gie gym ( nak jugak gie tuh... ), and I even stayed for 2 hours ( actuallynye macam nak mati dah, but the first hour tuh macam kurang beneficial sket sebab new teacher, so I was struggling through the moves sket, then 2nd hour tuh macam nak mampos lah plak.. new teacher jugak, very perky and cute, tapi laju, that even though moves sume dah hafal still tercungap nak kejar... go figure ).
Good news for girls kat Michigan yg tanye me Spring and Summer ade gym classes ke tak... answer: YES! YES! YES! ( macam iklan shampoo plak ). Schedule will be out on Monday, tapi tak byk sgt classes open kot sebab cikgu die ade sorang je... Jill ngan Becca dah nak grad dah :( .. sob sob... they're the best.. sgt2 suke belajar ngan derang...
Okie.. nak gie mandi jap because I smell like a gym locker....

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YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!

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To: eecs280@eecs.umich.edu
Date: Sun, 23 Mar 2003 22:26:12 -0500 (EST)

------------------------------


Testing Dictionary ADT separate from proj5.cpp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your code compiled correctly.

Test 1 -- DictionaryString functions
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 2 -- Dictionary default ctor, size, capacity
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 3 -- Dictionary 1-param ctor, size, capacity
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 4 -- Dictionary insert(), dump()
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 5 -- Dictionary index(), has()
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 6 -- Dictionary resize(), clear()
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 7 -- Dictionary dynamic allocation and deallocation
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 8 -- Dictionary copy constructor
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 9 -- Dictionary bracket operator
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 10 -- Dictionary load function
.................................. worth 4 points: passed

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Testing Dictionary ADT separate from proj5.cpp
Total score ............................................. 40 out of 40


Testing proj5.cpp
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your code compiled correctly.


====================================================
Note: Failure to handle null inputs at any prompt
may cause your program to fail some tests
other than those labeled 'Null input'
====================================================

Test 11 -- Just quit
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 12 -- Null input at main menu prompt
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 13 -- Save dictionary (empty dictionary)
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 14 -- Null input at file prompt while saving dictionary
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 15 -- Unable to open file to save dictionary
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 16 -- Simple load and save (console interactions)
.................................. worth 1 points: passed
Test 17 -- Simple load and save (file output)
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 18 -- Unable to open file to load dictionary
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 19 -- Load large dictionary and save (console interaction)
.................................. worth 1 points: passed
Test 20 -- Load large dictionary and save (file output)
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 21 -- Simple add word and save (console)
.................................. worth 1 points: passed
Test 22 -- Simple add word and save (file output)
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 23 -- Add words (not so simple) and save
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 24 -- Add words, clear and save dictionary
.................................. worth 2 points: passed
Test 25 -- Spell-check file using just 'continue'
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 26 -- Spell-check file and add to dictionary
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 27 -- Spell-check file with words in dictionary and adding
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 28 -- Spell-check file, removing and adding words
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 29 -- Spell-check file, removing and adding (more involved)
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 30 -- Spell-check file, adding and replacing (more involved)
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 31 -- Spell-check file, adding editing and continuing
.................................. worth 3 points: passed
Test 32 -- Full sample run from web
.................................. worth 4 points: passed
Test 33 -- Fatal error at any prompt (unhandled EOF)
.................................. worth 10 points: passed

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Testing proj5.cpp
Total score ............................................. 60 out of 60


=======================================================================

Grading for correctness of project 5
Total score ............................................. 100 out of 100


Total score: 100

So, so tired... dah pancit dah kalau bab-bab nak study and buat program.. and baru-baru nie asyik pening kepale aje keje.. start from malam before my EECS 203 exam up until now. Rede kejap je, pastu start pening balik. Crappy betul. Sabo je lah byk-byk. Bile start pening: start lepas phone call. Phone nie kadang-kadang ( well, slalu actuallynye ) bawak masalah, hape-hape bende bongok jadi, slalu start ngan phone call, call in or call out. Rase kengkadang nak cabut phone and campak masuk sungai. Especially time pening, kalau die bunyik, masyaAllah... tahan sabar je, istighfar byk-byk.... most of the time bukan annoyed ngan caller pon, just sebab phone tuh bunyik kuat sgt. Skang volume phone kat luar tuh dah se minimum mungkin, phone dalam nie bunyik die less annoying sket. Tapi ade jugak time mmg annoyed ngan caller/callee, mase tuh tahan sabar jugak, istighfar jugak, and bile dah letak phone tuh, try nak sedapkan ati senirik... "Die tak mean tuh"... or " tak sengaje kot... sabar je lah" ... and pastu okie lah.. sabar je lah. Tapi ade certain situations tuh, tactic tuh mmg tak menjadi betullah.... mase tuh Allah je lah yg tau hati tuh rase camane. Hmmph... nyampah jugak ade cordless nie kengkadang ye? Sedap sgt borak kat phone kengkadang, lupe yg phone nie actuallynye bawak masalah . Sape nak beli my cordless?

Hmm.. tapi kalau takde phone, tak boleh call rumah... borak ngan mak sume... Tgk lah camane ngan phone nie... slamat lagi lah kot dalam mase terdekat nie from kene "campuk" masuk Lake Michigan...

Ade org tuh tgh sebok nak tau pasal life kite. Apsal sebok? Takyah tau pon takpe... tak interesting pon. Gie lah layan "kesayangan" awak tuh... haa.. nie sape perasan org tgh cakap pasal die, sape makan cili, die rase pedas.... nak tau sgt org cakap pasal die ke tak.. tanye senirik.... dalam otak nie boleh pinpoint due tige org yg bakal terase, tapi yg sebetulnye satu je org tgh fire nie..

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lagu zaman dolu...

**
Rindu Bayangan

Bila kukenang kurenung gambar wajahmu
Kisah yang lalu tak akan berulang lagi
Lupakan saja cerita lama
Usah dirayu pada yang tak sudi

Janganlah dinanti pada yang telah pergi
Hanya luka lamakan berdarah kembali
Kini kecewa tidak terkata
Mengapakah itu disebut lagi

( korus )
Apalah yang hendak di kata
Sudah suratan takdir yang menentukan
Ooh..oh..inilah ragam manusia
Manis di bibir pandai bermain lidah

Berputar-putar membelitkan kata-kata
Hanya linangan air mata yang menitis
Pada bayangan di angin lalu
Membisikkan kata rindu bayangan
**

Deja vu kejap......

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Hmm... so war is coming upon Iraq... frankly, I don't really know what to say. Political views, while important, are also big responsibilities. I don't want to say anything that I'll regret later ( I do enough of that in my personal life.. hehe.. ). But I do sympathize, maybe even a little angry, and I hope the cost will not be so great that the president will regret ever even mentioning war.

WEDNESDAY
Today is my full day... dah lah hari nie ade exam EECS 203... naseb baik dah habes dah . Hmm.. macam okay, better than last time I think, but then again, takleh nak overconfident.. we'll see.... Skang nie dah kene buat pro-geram lah plak... ish... dah lah tgh dalam keadaan yg sgt2 emo... hmm.. PMS? I dunno... doesn't help bile shitty stuff asyik happen to me.. so I'm changing a few stuff in my life nak accomodate with my fluctuating (?) hormones... though there are a few stuff that got me upset bukan sebab PMS tapi memang bende yg patut saket ati pon regardless if you have estrogens or testosterones in you ( actually everyone have both, but one is more dominant than the other obviously )... so whatever... whatever... whatever....

Adrienna ( a friend, she wanted me to mention her name ..hehe.. ) asked me about betrayal, and how much I know about it ( Dray, did something happen that you're not telling me? That's a real weird question,girl ), and I was flabbergasted at her timing.. like, wow... ESP or something.. and all I can say is " More than anybody would ever wanna know" ... hmmm... okay.. let's leave it at that for today...

Dray and Faye... yeah, I guess it is kinda cute :) ...

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Hmm.. I was thinking about this statement while waiting for class to start:
You can't have your cake and eat it too.

The I came up with another, more specific statement:
As long as you have her, you won't have me, neither as a friend, or enemy,
or anything in between.
You just won't have me.

Go figure.

I have an exam this night and a program to do, so anybody thinking to kacau me with mundane stuff, or thinking "Let's screw with her head", don't.. too much is riding on this term and I won't have my academic life ruined because of anything or anyone ....

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MONICA BELLUCCI

AGREE TO DISAGREE
Not everyone agrees with what other people's thoughts. Even those who can usually see the merits in any idea, sometimes would find one thing that make them go "Okay, try as I might, I just don't think this is right/wrong/possible/impossible"..... Problem arises when two people who disagree on certain issues meet up with each other. Sparks fly (and I do not mean the good ones ). More often then not, someone, if not both, end up getting hurt, even though it didn't start off as a possible "let's quarrel" situation. But that's the way things work sometimes; it gives us a chance to debate and make opinions heard... we just have to find a better way to do it instead of going on a word-shooting fest.
Why don't we agree to disagree. State our opinion in a calm fashion, and realize if he's/she's going to change his/her mind anytime soon, it's not gonna happen by shoving your ideas down his/her throat. For instance, I believe that one is committed to something ( like an administrative position or being part of a group ), one should be fully committed, even if somewhere along the way, there might be a small conflict of interest (not anything that would compromise my beliefs, but maybe inconvenience me a bit, like having to go to group meetings when I have an exam ). I think of myself as having a responsibility to those who are also involved in whatever it is that I'm involved in. I've made the mistakes of letting other people do my share of the work, it didn't feel good ( I felt really guilty, and there was this one time it came back to bite me in the ass ) and I felt I was cheating everybody. Now, if I know before hand that I won't be able to commit, then I'd rather not be involved at all.
Others prefer the "have fingers in differents pies" approach... they sort out what they think is priority, and come time to choose, commit to one at the top of the list. See, I can't do that.... I'd feel too guilty, plus the fact that I'd be missing out on a "process" being done in the "lower priority" stuff makes me freak out a bit.. I like things done a certain, and while I do trust people enough to let them do things their way, I do want to know what's being done just so that if anything goes wrong, I won't have this negative feeling about blaming someone else for it... I mean, if I know what's going on, and something goes awry, the I have myself to blame for not noticing things. "Fingers in different pies" approach is definitely not for me, and I admit to being guilty of getting annoyed with people who do take the approach, especially if they have something else to do and I end up having to do most of the work. Ususally I'm okay with it... for like the first three times... but after that, I would probably be thinking "Why the heck did you agree with this thing on the first place if you can't commit to it?"
I guess that's around the same way I view a relationship/friendship... I've never given up yet on anyone... until that someone gives up on me. I would stick it through, no matter how mush he/she made me cry or hurt my feelings or basically ruin everything for me, "sabar itu separuh daripada iman". I'm not a good girl, but I am patient with people, impatient with situations. Only a selected few people I can truly be honest with... people I know who love and care for me enough to listen to what I have to say, know that I don't mean to hurt but rather want them to hear me say "This is hurting me, I'd really like it if you can stop"... and it's these same people who I can ask back "Tell me what I did wrong" and they can be completely honest with me (with deceiving that everything's okay when they're not ), and yet not using the oppurtunity to being honest as a mean to hurt me or bring me down....to those people in my life, thank you for being there for me, because it is you that I think of when I count my blessings.
Last night, this list of people had been cut back by one.

p/s: on a much lighter note: I"M GOING TO BE A CHARACTER IN A VIDEO GAME!!!!!!!! Oh, and Fatma too. Muahaha.. they're going to take mug shots of and make a short film/trilogy/game... hehe.. me happy...
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CHANGE OF SONG
I was looking through my list of songs, trying to figure out if I wanna put Dishwalla's "Counting Blue Cars" or Course of Nature's " Caught in the Sun". I like both, but Dishwalla's single is a little bit older ( well, a lot older, I think it's been.. what.. a couple of years since it first came out?). Anyway, I decided on CoN because it's a nice enough song, and it's part of the Smallville soundtrack ( found out that fact while downloading since I don't really watch Smallville) , and I know a lot of people DO watch Smallville, so this might be more familiar to certain ears. I'll put in the Dishwalla song later... maybe after I finish PROGRAM 5!!!!!

Everyday asyik camping kat MU, I barely see my room anymore. And I'm eating crap. Kalau tak Maggie, it'll be spaghetti, or fillet o' fish kat McD. I eve resorted to buying some SlimFast shakes not for the whole slimming qualities ( there's none, you're basically taking in calories in liquid form) , but because I don't have time to get breakfast and lunch and I need something I can take on the go. Busy busy camnie is really putting a dent in my pockets, nak beli coffee nye, nak beli lunch, nak beli dinner... sume sume kene beli... waaa!!!! Apsal lah duit tak tumbuh kat pokok, kan best kalau camtuh.

Okay, me freaking out skang nie sebab byk keje tak siap lagik, so kene I have to go now and get ready to face another grueling at the MU, studying... la la la....

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GREETINGS FROM THE MEDIA UNION
It's Friday night, and I'm at the MU... studying. On a Friday night. Go figure. Guess That's the price you pay for bring CS major... Actually I think I would be home sleeping right now if it's not for the fact that I have 2 exams next week, back to back, plus I have a killer program due, and the weekend before it's due, my ex-roommate from Illinois, Soon Sim, is coming to Michigan for a visit. I don't wanna be stuck in my room all the time doing hw while she's here, so I'm basically starting early so at least I can spend some time with her and Joanne without freaking out (much) that I have a program due and I haven't started and woe is me and shit like that...
Okay.. so my life right now is going on as usual... no major things happened... since I know I'm not gonna get to do any enjoyable things for the time being, I decided to take some pleasure in the simple things in life. Like the other day, during ECS 203 lecture, there was this one guy who not only slept during lecture, but siap mengigau lagik. He actually made this really loud sound, and I did all that I could to keep myself from laughing out loud. I think it's the same guy who slept through lecture last time and snored.
I received a parcel from mummy dearest yesterday, filled with Maggie goodies, one telekung, a few hijabs and a picture frame. I put a picture of me and my nephew in the frame, wonder how he looks like now... missing home a lot actually. Wish I can go home this year, but I can't, so might as well stop fretting and concentrate on other stuff.
I decided to participate in a study research conducted by the kinesiology department. Well, I haven't actually signed up for it yet, but if everything fits in my schedule, I'm definitely gonna do it. Basically they're gonna do a series of tests and blood samples, I get to stay at the hospital for one night, and get paid for all the crap I'm gonna have to go through. Who says easy money is easy?
My height of stupidity: just now I was in the elevator at the EECS building ( I was submitting a hw), when I accidentally pressed the alarm button in the elevator. The alarm gave a loud "BRRING!!!" for about a milisecond, but it was enough to make me jump out of my skin. Stupid alarm button is where the "door close" button is supposed to be, and I just realize that stupid elevator doesn't even have a "door close" button. Stupid stupid stupid. Another idiotic thing I did: there was this one evening I was waiting for the Bursley-Baits bus in front of Pierpont Commons, when I saw it coming towards the bus stop behind the Northwood bus. I spaced out for about a second while walking towards the bus, thinking about if I should come back to MU later that evening to study, walked up the steps of the bus and continued spacing out.... until the bus turned to the corner towards the Northwood apartments. I had gotten on the wrong bus. Shit, I thought. Luckily, someone had pressed the stop button ( or stop strip, whatever) and the nearest bus stop close to the gym, so I got out and began walking, just in time to see the bus I was supposed to get on stop at Bursley. So I walked, thinking, Okay, I hope when I get to the Bursley bus stop, there would be another bus to bring me back to Baits. Just as I was crossing the street, ANOTHER bus came and "whooshed" (okay, that's not a word, but who cares? It's my story) past me. I made a mad dash for it thinking, Shit shit shit shit shit..... Needless to say, I missed that one too, and and after yelling "Oh come ON!!!" (that got a few "Are you freaking crazy?" looks from some people who just got off the bus ), I made my way home, walking. So sad.
I'm actually using this ergonomics keyboard right now that I don't think it's meant for people who still have all of their fingers intact, and I'm getting annoyed because I'm typing real slow, so basically I'm gonna stop now and continue later. Later.

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Busy, busy week...
Me very, very tired.... working my butt off for the past few days.. and the worst thing is, I know I'm not gonna have any time out until the semester ends. Since I flunked my first midterms for, like, every single subject, I have to really pull up on the second ones.. and they're back to back. Plus I have a project due... and friends coming the weekend before the project is due. Go figure. I don't have a life right now.. I have a well oiled machine which basically tells me what to do, when to do it, and dictates every day that I'm alive right now. Why, why, WHY did I become a CS major? Too late to change my mind now... *sigh*... but the thing is, I enjoy programming, and reading for programming and all the thinking that I have to do to get it done. It's the deadline that's killing me.. and the fact that I have other ssubjects too. Sure, people might call me a light weight (wait.. I can hear people laughing... I meant in the ACADEMIC context, dumbass!! ) because I'm only taking 3 subjects this semester, but it's hard for me, because all of the study plans I used to have don't work anymore for these. My MATH 217 is no longer plug and chug, it's about proving step by step and understanding terminologies and knowing what the heck "span" means and what it means for vectors to "span" something. As for discrete math.... guess I finally know why they call it discrete because they never tell you what the freakin' hell they want! Go figure. My programs are killing me, as usual, but that's a given, so no use me bitching about them. *Sigh*.... How I long for the days when the subjects were hard, but you still score, and you can act all sympathetic to people who didn't do as well while inside you go "Yes! I score! Go girly.. go girly...you smart girl you.." ( okay, so now I'm just being obnoxious... sukati beb )
Okay, I still have shit to do.. so ciao!

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MonDAy BLueS
Sigh... today has not been very exciting for me. Homework galore, sleepiness, me feeling that suddenly everything's wrong and there's nothing I can do to make them right... I'm just so out of it, I guess. I dunno whether it's because of the weather or me being tired all the time or maybe it's a sign that everything's gonna get more messed up in the future or what, all I know is I do NOT want to have days like these anymore. Have you ever felt that? Like this big pain in your chest, and it's spreading all over your body and spilling into your life and there's nothing you can do about it, and you wish you have a gun to point to your head and just shoot so that it'll all go away...

Not contemplating suicide here, but right now that's how I feel. Thank goodness for my religion and all the lessons I've learned about how harming oneself is wrong and how people who do that would never even smell paradise, let alone get into it. It's the only thing holding me up right now, my only pillar of strength. I don't know who to turn to or what to do or why am I suddenly feeling this rush of sadness. I try to reach out to certain people that I feel like I can trust, but suddenly they aren't there and I'm groping blindly in the dark for something to hold one to or for someone who cares or anything that can help me pull out of this black hole that's consuming my thoughts and emotions and paralyzing my whole being.... but there's nothing there. And all I can do right now is pray and ask for guidance, hope and strength at the times when I'm weak and alone.

I wish I have somebody to stand beside me right now and help me through this.

There are just some things that are too cute to be true
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MON NEVEU, UMAR HAZIQ BIN RIZAL FARIZ
Tadi call rumah, borak-borak ngan mak... and as usual, mak slalu ade cite pasal cucu kesayangan die. This week punye story: main golf. Mak gie pasar, pastu kat pasar, mak nampak golf set, so mak pon belilah golf set tuh ( jgn tanye apsal, bab-bab cucu nie, mane berkenan sume beli). Sampai kat umah, kasik lah budak kecik tuh main (that's what I usually call my nephew.. "budak kecik"). Nak jadi cite, kayu golf tuh lagi tinggi than die. So susah lah kan nak main, dah bende lagi besar dari awak. Tapi budak kecik tuh pandai macam mak su die ( that would be me..heheh ), die cabut side atas tuh ( either die cabut or die lepuk-lepuk mende tuh sampai tercabut), tinggal half yang bawah aje. So sekarang dah sonok lah main sebab dah sedap pegang. Sume bende bulat nak pukul. Ade sekali tuh mak kasik cucu die nie biskut raye cornflake soh makan, die punye "pandai", gie letak atas lantai pastu pukul ngan kayu golf die. Mak pon bising lah kat situ, "Eh, ape ni.. opah kasi biskut soh makan lah.. bukan buat bola golf"...

Sekarang Haziq dah pandai kire "one, two, three" ngan bace "alif ba ta", tapi "satu due tige" die spastik sket... die kire "sa-tu three". Pulak dah. Pening kepale sume org nak betulkan budak kecik yg konpius. Skang nie kalau die nak lari-lari, dengar lah die jerit kuat-kuat "sa-tu THREE!!!". Rambut Haziq pon dah banyak dah. Mase last year die botak, tuh yg Deera siap kate nampak macam budak gatal mase nampak kat airport ..hahaha...

Akaun Haziq, last week baru deposit RM100+ from tabung gajah BSN die. Mane die dapat duit: every day masuk bilek opah ngan atuk gie kutip duit syiling atas lantai (atuk punye coins suke jatuh from poket seluar). Hehe.. deja vu kejap.. sebab mak su die pon kecik-kecik suke amek duit syiling atas lantai masuk tabung senirik, tapi tabung kancil, bukan gajah. Kutip punye kutip, dapatlah seratus lebey budak tuh... tabung gajah tuh, elok-elok masuk duit kuar bunyik skang dah senyap je. Dah K.O. Masuk duit banyak sgt kot. Mak cite dulu Haziq tak reti nak masuk duit dalam tabung, bile tak dapat masuk terus die campak duit tuh pastu gie main bende lain. Heheh... trademark family yg impatient sume. Skang nie dah pro dah masuk duit dalam tabung. Haziq oii, tanak masuk duit dalam tabung Mak Su ke? Hehehe..

Rindu sume org kat rumah... sayang peluk cium...

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IPENG BBQ in a restaurant that I can't remember the name
from left: me, Nanim dan tangan-tangannye, Rina, Teh, Tet


See? kat Illinois makan aje keje... left one is me makan mase BBQ ( tuh tangan Nanim yg nyibok sebab muke die tak sempat nak masok )... and another is me ngan Ainur kononnye makan kek kat Tet's birthday party ( Tet dah tue!!! Hahaha.. )

This week had been total.. err.. tatau camane nak cakap... busy gile.. pastu lepak gile lah plak... anyway, semalam gie makan kat Joe's Crabshack with Kak Liza, Teh ngan Nanim... best2... but I missed the girls night out with the other girls, diorang gie tengok movie ... sedey2 :(... waaa!!! Paling best: Ayun belikan roti awal this week, sampai hari nie tak amek2 lagik... aiyoo.. asyik lupe je... hari nie one whole day spring cleaning... ingat petang nak amek.. alih2 lupe.. skang sejuk lah plak kat luar nak keeluar.. and besides I promised my mom I'd call in another few minutes, so amek some time nak jot stuff down until I have to go... Ayun!! Sowee2... janji aku dtg amek besok ( haaa... dah janji nie.. so nak tanak kene gak amek, kang tak amek kang mungkir janji ler plak.. ish ish.. tak bleh tak bleh... musti mengambil roti.. musti.. )

Semalam gie shopping, beli beg skolah baru. Hehe.. lawa... tapi dah balik baru perasan bawah beg tuh kinda nipis, so takleh ler nak sukati letak atas lantai basah ke ape ke.. kang habes sume buku kang... kene jage sket... Nike bag, USD 29.99 ... warne biru, kinda cute. Reason for buying: have you seen my ELLE bag? die lebar, tapi kecik (ketot), buku sume panjang2... al-kisah... kene lah beli bag baru ( real reason for buying: org lain sume jejak kaki je kat US beli beg skolah baru, aku takde lagik, nak gaks satu... ) Beli some food jugak, including a couple of instant noodles for when bile teramat busy and takleh (translate: malas ) nak masak...

Saturday: spring cleaning. Bilek macam kandang ba*toot*, sehari suntuk kemas pon tak betul-betul habis lagi... vanity tak sort out... poster tak betulkan... besok lah.. heheheh... malam nie nak bace buku maths.. pahamkan siket... lupe lak.. Friday night tengok Behind Enemy Lines kat lounge, RA pasang.. cite best... tapi sedey and horror tengok camane diorang portray this mass kubur of Bosnians... freaky.. macam nak nangis pon ade gak rase because tau yg mende tuh mmg ade.. and diorang buat flashback camane Serbs tuh bunuh Bosnians.. serious mase tuh nak nangis... diorang soh masuk this big lobang ( or diri dekat lobang, I couldn't make out much ) and then mule randomly tembak org.. paling sedey... women and children pon diorang bantai gak tembak.. and then askar-askar yg tembak tuh blah camtuh aje.. tak cover lobang tuh or anything... Good movie to watch not just because it looks so damn real ( diorang gune actual military base ngan flight mase filming ), but because of other stuff as well.... rase rugi lak tak tgk mase die mule0mule kuar dulu... dah bertahun-tahun baru tgk kat DVD.. but hey, better late than never..

Dekat Illinois, budak-budak pompuan ( a.k.a Teh ngan Nanim ) pasang cite Ada Apa Dengan Cinta ( AADC for short)... and I saje-saje ler tengok sket.. mase tuh dah nak habes actuallynye.. so takdelah sempat tgk sangat ... but I noticed something: sume org yang sebok-sebok pasal movie nie sume budak laki. Tengok kat MSN dulu, nick name sume "pawe" giler.... sume pasal AADC... siap rebut-rebut .. ape name pompuan tuh.. haaa... Alya.... I couldn't figure it out mule-mule.. so semalam saje je lah tengok the first 5 minutes of the movie kat PC Teh.... hmmphh.. patut ler.... girls pakai skirt pendek macam dalam katun Sailormoon jepun.... dah lah tuh, ramai lak tuh girls nye.... patutler.. patutler.. patutlerrrrrrrrr.... dak pompuan nak tgk ape? Rangga... Rangga sorang tuh je... nasib Rangga tuh okey gak.. kalo tak haram jadah takde girl nak tgk..... so dah paham dah skang apsal movie nie byk guys heboh than girls ... Alya: okey lah... nampak sweet and innocent... still tak nampak apsal laki sume gravitate kat die... then again, I'm not from Mars.

Okeh.. dah panjang sangat... bersambung lagi di mase depan... btw, SOON SIM AND KUN YUN.... happy birthday!!!! I love you both very, very much and I'm missing you guys an awful lot...

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NICOLETTE AND NATASYA
Sometimes it's the simple stuff that you miss.. like two cats on a computer

okay, okay, so I haven't updated my blogger for quite some time now. So sue me. Been busy, y'know, and by busy I mean really, really, really busy.... with PROGRAM 4. EECS 280 is really giving me nightmares, I'm so glad it's over, I've finished and I have some time to myself before program 5 comes out. Me happy becoz of that. Tomorrow it's gym time for me, gonna stay for an extra hour to make up for the previous days that I missed. I'm excited, I miss gym ( can you believe that? ) during spring break. Eating isn't as much fun ( or guilt free) as it is when you know you're gonna work it off anyway. And working my butt off is exactly what I do when I go to gym Love it, love it, love it. Me happy, and a happy me is always a good thing.

Thing that make me happy when....

1. I'm sleepy, but I have loads of hw to do:
a) if someone buys me coffee, and I'll love that person forever if that coffee happens to be Mujo Mocha or Cafe Blanco that you get from MuJo,or basically any good coffee, brand irrelevant.
b) if someone says "Oh hey, I've done that, here let me show you" or "Oooo... nie macam nie nak wat...." or "Lah, tuh pun tak tau, meh aku buatkan" or any other statements that resembles an offer to either do my work for me or show me how

2. When I'm stuck at a program, I think everything's okay, but they're all f***ed up:
a) bile Nizam datang and tunjuk nifty commands to do, and by hitting a few keys, miraculously output sume same ngan autograder... Nizam best...
pawe2... takde Nizam sure skang nie still tgh pening2 pasal program and kutuk2 comp.... makaceh Nizam..

3. When I'm feeling down:
a) if somebody asks me "You okay?" or "Weh, sehat tak nie? "... tapi kalau die cakap "Ko apasal?" tuh tak best, sebab statement tuh translate jadik "Eleh mengade lak die nak down-down.. lempang kang" ... eii.. orang kadang-kadang emo lerrr.... I'm only human
b) if someone comes and takes me out to dinner or lunch or dancing or basically anywhere with good music and good company
c) watching TV and eating junk food
d) going to the gym and "working my butt off" (hehe.. contradict with the previous one, but I like doing both, so why shouldn't I? )
e) if someone calls and just say " Hey, just calling to see how you are..." , that one sentence means a whole lot... immediately picks up my mood
f) chocolate... lots of chocolate

4. When I'm worrying about my looks:
a) compliments. I don't even care if you lie to me. Coz I'll know you're lying, but I wanna hear the words anyway. See, what I notice most about Malaysians in general, is that we don't give credit to each other enough. Is it so hard to say to someone " You're looking great today" when that someone looks especially pretty/handsome? I love giving compliments to people whenever I see something good about them, and I never (?) lie when complimenting someone. Which is good for that person. But you can lie to me.

5. When PMS
a) just understand it's PMS and there's no bloody thing I can do about. It comes with the package of being a girl/woman/female. At least we're handling it as best as we can. I'd like to see one guy surviving all the emotional, hormonal mumbo jumbo we go through every month and come out sane. Hah!

7. When I'm angry over something
a) let me rant and rave for 10 minutes, dishing swear words, then I'll be cool. Seriously. Worst thing to do: argue with me. Then I'll go all quiet, but I'll be secretly plotting your demise in thousands of intricate, painful ways. But those thoughts last about only 5 minutes. I'll be okay later, but no guarantee
on me not resenting you for the next couple of weeks. See, I handle anger in 2 ways: whether I verbally go angry, if it's things like the autograder, or if I'm pissed with a person, I just need some time away from that person and just fume. As long as you didn't cross the border, I'll be okay and no hard feelings after that. Truthfully, I have no concept of revenge, 'cause I'm absent-minded enough to forget about stuff that I'm angry about.

Me sleepy. Talk later.

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