EMOTIONAL ROLLER-COASTER AHEAD... READ AT YOUR OWN PERIL (seriously people, this is a long entry, skip it because I'm crapping about the same thing all over again.... )

Hari nie tak gie my first class sebab pening kepale... spent last night bawling into my pillow, and after waking up with a headache, spent the morning bawling on the phone with my mom. I'm still 50-50 about the whole going home thing, though if I do, guess I'll be doing it alone. Kinda scary to think about it, but hey, I'm a big girl, I can handle the whole alone thing, and I don't think I look like a female terrorist ready to do a kamikaze attack on any buildings, big or small. I'm just a simple, unassuming female student who just happens to be Muslim, which shouldn't be a crime. We'll see how the whole thing plays out, if it's too risky, then I'll just stay here and travel, which isn't a bad idea by itself. Too bad Yanie and Wana decided to travel this summer, or I would've been able to visit them in Dublin. Oh well....
Talking on the phone with mom just now made me feel a whole lot better. It reminds me that no matter what the world throws at me, I still have my faith and beliefs, and I will always have the love of my family. I told her all the stuff that I kept bottled up inside ever since last semester.. all the crap that I had to go through, all the things that made want to break down and just shatter into a million pieces .... I told her everything, no secrets kept. Mom's solid advices and soothing voice kept me grounded today. Her love and devotion to my well-being is a reminder that my life is still ahead of me, and throughout my journey there will be bitter experiences, but there will be sweet ones too if I let them happen. It's mom whom I leaned on today after having to go through so many betrayals these past few months. Like I mentioned earlier, I'm 50-50 about going back home... and the reason that 50 wants to back home is because of her. It's strange.. when I was young I rebelled so much about being treated like a kid. Now all I want is the good old days when I was still mommy's little girl. And like a little girl today I confessed to my mom that I miss her so much and all I want to do right now is fly back and beg her and daddy's forgiveness for all the stupid and hurtful things that I did when I was a kid ( honestly, I had no idea where that came from, it's like a sudden epiphany about who really matters in life ). Amidst my teary voice and the incomprehensible pseudo-words that I was spouting out, mom understood what I wanted to say, why I needed to say them and where they were coming from.... isn't it great being a mom?
I love my family, that no one can deny and I'd like to see who dares to do so. I also love my friends, and I do try my hardest to be loyal in every possible way I can, even though I'm a really weird person and I don't always get things right. But I would listen if anyone needs an ear, and I keep secrets as long as they don't undermine my integrity is any way. I'm bad at remembering dates ( birthdays included), but I do feel bad when I realize I forgot. I might not show, but I feel, and I do love my friends....
However, my loyalties lie as long as I receive loyalty in return... break that and you might as well say goodbye to me and all connection to me. Sure, I've forgiven those who had told me they're sorry simply because I know a lot of people have forgiven me, too, when I do something hurtful or stupid, plus I know saying sorry is hard enugh for some ppl. And I've forgiven those who didn't say they're sorry simply because I don't think they realized what they did pissed me off. But there are certain delicate issues that I just can't bring myself to just forget about... hence the shut-off, the me-running-away-from-you. Betrayal is never easy to swallow.
*Sigh*... this is just me crapping away before going to bed... my eyes are all puffy I can barely see...

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