ONE LOOOOONG ENTRY, PROCEED ONLY IF YOU ARE THAT BORED

Have you ever had one of those days when nothing seemed to go right? I usually have those at least once a month. And today I had one. I feel so, so tense, it didn't help that today my self-esteem was at an all-time low. I saw this picture of a girl whom I didn't quite like, but she is, admittedly, quite pretty. And I had to have all these crazy thoughts of how pretty she is, how her personality might suck big time but because she's pretty, people would overlook that, how much I wish that I look more like her instead of looking like myself, though I didn't want to have her attitude. Things got worst when I now have two huge zits on my face that are screaming for attention from everyone (it's near that time of the month, so it wasn't quite so unexpected, but still dissapointing ). It's weird how intelligent people sometimes have such foolish thoughts. Sure, I have a lot going for me right now, and I've been blessed with so much, plus macam tak bersyukur lah pulak dengan ape yang Allah dah kasi, but sometimes, sometimes all reason goes out the window and you're left with self-doubt and all insecurities.
My mom was the ideal girl back in her youth. She had the petite figure, the fair skin, the pretty smile, the pretty eyes ... I remember looking at her old pictures when I was small and being so proud that my mom was so good-looking when she was young (actually she still is... I think she got sweeter as she the years passed ). Which I guess contributed more to my dissapointment as I got older and puberty kicked in. I inherited her smile and her eyes (and the trademark voice, mom has a really small, girly voice ), but everything else I got from my dad: the tan skin, the long fingers. Mom was petite and curvaceous, evident from her "kebaya ketat" that was popular back in the good ol' days, I'm anything but petite, and I was so chubby that I think no one could figure out whether I had any figure or not. It frustrated me that I wasn't physically more like mom, since I adored her ever since I was born, but time passed by, and I learned to deal and be more accepting of how I looked.
Still, a lot of the insecurities never really went away. Having a very pretty sister-in-law didn't exactly help in that department, hahaha. Oh, don't get me wrong, she's wonderful, the best sis any girl could ask for, but it also meant another person in the house for me to compare with. She's naturally very slim (she can eat and eat and wouldn't gain a pound), also very fair, but I love the fact that's she's funny, outgoing and very happy-go-lucky. I admit that there were a lot of times that I was jealous, but I love her so much that I couldn't hold a grudge.
It's hard when you're struggling with insecurities that have been manifested inside you for so long. And today, all of those thoughts reared their ugly heads and here I am, struggling to get some sense in my brain. Although, if you look at it realistically, I'm not exactly being all that bogus. Attractive people usually have more doors open to hem simply because people notice them more. If Gisele Bundchen had the same qualifications I will when I graduate, and we both apply for the same job, you can bet the pants you're wearing that they're gonna hire her simply because the packaging is more attractive. It's one of those unfair nudges that frustrates us who are not quite so beautiful. It sucks big time, but that's the way the world operates sometimes....
Weird, as I look at the picture of the girl I didn't like ( not hate, that's such a strong word ), I wondered what it would feel to be her for a day, to be in that group of "beautiful" people, adored for looks and nothing more. I reminded myself that at least I have all of my bodily functions and all of my body parts are still intact, but sometimes, I still wonder. Wonder how it would feel to have someone look at you and think how pretty you are, or how attractive. Yes, I'm vain, though I'm smart enough to know that if given a choice between looks and personality, I would definitely go for personality, no questions asked.
Wow.. this is one long entry.... I can't remember writing this long ever.. or something quite so personal either. Which makes me more secure that no one is gonna read this, hahaha... man, I should stop treating my blogger like a diary. Well, let's just look at this as a trial run for that American Culture paper that I have to write.