Assalamu'alaikum....

Midwest weekend, and I will be here in Ann Arbor instead of galivanting in UIUC with my friends. Nobody's gonna be here, place will be almost deserted .... bliss. It's not that I don't like people in general, but sometimes you need some privacy that extends beyond your bedroom. When it's sunny, Northwood is absolutely beautiful, and I can't wait to have a day to myself this weekend when I can just lay out on my picnic blanket, bask in the sun and read a good book. Hey, when you're naturally tanned like I am, you should definitely make the most of your abilities to lie out in the sun and not look like a cooked lobster. Bliss.

My tummy is rumbling a bit, pro'lly due to the super super super HOT "sambal ikan bilis" that I cooked yesterday to eat with some coconut rice (or as we Malaysians call the dish, "nasi lemak".... literally meaning "fat rice". Go figure). I know Ayun is pro'lly suffering, too, right now, she was the recipient of my extra hot, just-came-out-of-the-blender chilli peppers. I was in the bathroom for the longest time this morning, LoL. My wristwatch was 1/2 an hour late, so I ended up half an hour late for work, too. And I thought I was making good time. Angela and Merry just laughed at my rotten luck when I came into the office, looked at the wall clock, looked at my watch and just went "Oh, man!". Angela's advice: forget the wristwatch next time, just go for your cell phone. Good advice.

I got a nice email from someone this morning. There is no greater feeling than knowing that your friendship is valued simply because it's YOUR friendship, not because of the material things that you can provide or becaue you're a doormat and people can just walk over you. It'll be hard, and I mean, I was really hurt over her choice of actions and in a lot of ways, I probably have to be a lot more careful now until I can trust her again, but friendships that you actually want to keep are hard to forge, and I'm not a mean person by nature. I saw her effort, saw that she's really trying to get me back, and mostly saw that she really CARES that I'm hurting.

That's the thing about people. I thought I'd be mad at her forever, or at least for the next few years anyway, and I thought our friendship was over and done for. However, she was earnest about mending things, and although I'm still feeling some negative emotions, I'm willing to work them out just so that I don't lose her. To be honest I didn't make things easy for her , all I wanted to do was to run away from all the things that were hurting me and protect myself from being vulnerable over and over again, so I ignored her. Her perseverance won me over though, I saw that she cares and she doesn't assume that given time I'd be okay, she actually made a huge effort to at least try and make things better. I truly and honestly appreciate that, in more ways than anyone can imagine. She extended the olive branch, and I have decided to take it.

Maybe you're wondering why I'm being so forthcoming and open about this, that I can speak about this so candidly even though this is, in all actuality, very private for me. Here's why: I don't like it when people just assume things. Assume that I'll be okay when I won't. Assume that I'll react in a certain way when I'm more intelligent than that. Assume that since nothing fazes me anymore, nothing hurts me anymore too. People make so many assumptions about things that they know nothing about. I know this because in a lot of cases I find that I'm guilty of doing it too. So no more assumptions. I'm laying the facts down bare and naked for people to read.

The fact is I'm not mean. If you show effort, I'll definitely meet you halfway. Thing is, I need to know that what I put out is not in vain. Sometimes you just need certain confirmations because maybe something happened and you just need to know.... know that it's still worth working towards, worth fighting your demons for, worth hanging on to, 'cause like I said, a good friendship is so hard to forge. Of course when you have it you don't want to let it go.

I need people to know that I never, never, never take my decisions lightly. They might not be the best course of actions, and they might be more motivated by emotions rather than thought, but these decisions are mostly made because I feel like there is no other way out. Call it a defense mechanism if you will. Sometimes I act out in certain ways as a test to someone, which in many aspects is so very not fair... 'cause I'm setting up the person to fail, since he/she doesn't know what the "test" is or that he/she is being "tested" at all.

But here's the trick: for every test, there's a sure-fire way to pass ..... I need to know that you actually care. You don't have to go all-out, all I need is a small confirmation that yes, no matter how small the feeling is, you do care that our friendship now has a rift. I need the comfort of knowing that I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who actually care enough about the relationship. This is basically what's going through my head when I have a conflict with any of my close friends, girls or guys. The cause might be different, but ultimately the end result is always the same. That aside, I also know that if I'm wrong, that I am not afraid to say I'm sorry. My ego isn't that inflated. And in certain cases, I'll even apologize even when I feel I'm right just because I know the issue is important to the other person more than it does me.

But reciprocate, dammit, I'm selfish enough to expect certain things in return. Which is why when I read that email (refer to beginning of blog), I was relieved. The state of emergency is over, Lol... well at least this one anyway. She cares enough to try. Which is all I ever really wanted, 'cause everything else can click in place if we can at least show each other that we appreciate one another.

Couple that incident with the little "conference" that I had last night with someone else (I'm not gonna go into details 'cause I know for a fact this person reads my blog and I don't wanna embarrass the both of us by being mushy LoL, plus this one is a little more private. Suffice to say ... baby steps :) ), I have to admit that my girl friends are really going above and beyond this time, which is a nice change of pace from thinking that no one gets you. It's nice to know that people can still pleasantly surprise you with their depth... and their perseverance...... and mostly their respect.

Right now I'm truly blessed :) .

Wassalam....